The Universe Conspired

Last week the universe decided to relay a message to me about that not yet removed “need for drive and perfectionism”, and the resulting overload. As a follow-up to all that fun and excitement about dancing and pickleball there was a slight “smack upside of the head” as a reminder (that’s how this writer has determined to look at it for now). The reminder being “quit trying so hard” and instead, just continue practicing:

 – to “be yourself”
– to pause and take a breath
– to simply stay in the fun and music – and
– to be “perfectly on time”.

After Wednesday’s dance class, YouTube seemed like the perfect “go to” as a resource for more instructions…. what’s NOT to be found at YouTube! In fact, a small post was made at the Crone Chronicles FB group with a cute clip of some of the most beautiful African children dancing to Jerusalema. The “home dance practice” that unfolded was supposed to be followed on Saturday with a Pickleball lesson and purchase of paddles (sooo much anticipation and excitement). Just a small drive, perfectionism and overload scenario unfolding right? Obviously, a resurgence of the old BS/Belief System around “measuring up and trying to be better than” had kicked in!

So, follow Wednesday with Thursday and suddenly the great white porcelain bowl has called for an engagement of sorts – off and on – for about 12 hours.

And …. here’s one more fun fact, THIS body that’s now occupied does NOT come back from the porcelain bowl experience with the same speed and ease of years gone by.

In fact, it was just this past Wednesday before normalcy resumed.

Why even tell this story? Because, at the end of the day, that’s exactly what it is…. “A story” [not A’ha P’tend]… an experience … an opportunity… to take a bit closer look at all that had been unfolding and how some old ideas and attitudes probably needed a slight adjustment (as in becoming competitive?). It’s kind of tied into staying in the moments just for the fun of it without adding undue expectations about what may, or may not come round the corner, up the street or across the path.

A few weeks ago, an attempt was made to lighten up – in part because of some significant losses that had occurred in the lives of grandchildren and best friends. Somehow, this latest episode of not feeling up to par, laying around napping, and eating Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup created a type of collaborative opportunity with the universe. A time to take a new and deeper dive/look at grief / loss / emptiness. Not to bring any additional heartache to those involved but rather to further reflect on newer observations and understandings now more evident these four plus years later.

• One of the losses was that of a husband of 66 years (father, grandfather, great grandfather). The accident had parallels to Don’s which was somewhat bizarre since he was the other grandfather to the same grandchildren.
• The second loss was that of a beautiful 29-year-old granddaughter of our best friends, after a very long cancer journey. Not necessarily unexpected but that doesn’t eliminate the heartbreak.
• The third loss was a brand-new acquaintance, and it was simply a few words spoken that opened the tear ducts.

There are never adequate words – but are there some helpful options? Perhaps to just gently suggest possible resources, offer an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and/or a hug to help heal. As this writing is unfolding that mention about Holding and Listening in the last post remains valid and significant. Just one more thought has surfaced to be included though.

ALLOWING
What does that mean or look like to the person/people experiencing the loss AND to those who want to support and help.

As one who wants to support and help, because sometimes shared experience can benefit, is it possible to:

• just sit quietly, listen, and ALLOW the person experiencing the grief to simply speak what their heart needs to speak without interjecting and providing “advice”?
• provide a shoulder to cry on and simply ALLOW those tears without stating that age old line of – “there, there, this too shall pass” [guilty as charged over here]
• leave those “perfectly on time” statements for another day
• offer to go for a walk; pick-up some groceries; bake a casserole [that list has lovely karma possibilities]

This business of “20/20 vision in hindsight” has a potential to result in a few “oh my gosh what was I even thinking” regrets – I know I did NOT follow that list when my daughter-in-law passed in 2019. At the same time though, might this newer hindsight offer an opportunity to take a different approach this time around. Might recent events have given me time to pause and take a deeper look?

That quiet time offered up (through being somewhat unwell) provided space to create a very condensed summary of my story and journey since Don walked across that rainbow bridge.

• Year one was somewhat surreal. It often felt like the earth-school experience was being undertaken via the human-suited body of someone else. Someone who seemed able to take care of whatever needed to be taken care of without exhibiting extreme trauma, grief, or loss. Keeping busy to the extreme held everything at bay and work facilitated that busyness to the max.
• Year two was a different story entirely. The gut-wrenching pain would surface without warning in roller coaster waves. Way harder than year one. I told some friends and family I was licking doorknobs and truly the journaling was ended each night with the words….”one day less to be here and one day closer to being there with you”. Who am I? seemed to be a somewhat constant question.
• Year three turned into serious isolation, in part because of the pandemic but also because of the emotions that continued to kick in when least expected. At times, the reality of getting up alone in the morning and going to bed alone at night (especially on weekends) created overwhelm. Who am I? What purpose do I have? also remained as constant thoughts.
• Year four continued in a vein of just moving through each day with the same journal ending each night.

I know that all sounds pretty dark and it’s important to also acknowledge that multiple good times and things happened during those four years as well – in great part thanks to the beautiful family, friends and co-workers network I’ve been gifted with. There was also an extensive searching taking place… around mediumship, esoteric studies, grieving and loss webinars, astrology….all with a view to finding answers of some sort. The bullet list is simply an attempt to be open and honest in sharing a small piece of the story with others. None of us are alone and while it felt nearly impossible to reach out there were many, many times when that reaching out then created a synchronized/serendipitous occurrence that resulted in “feeling better” for all involved.

Year five is changing and looking brighter and more hopeful. Dance, joining a senior’s club, upcoming pickleball are all contributors along with the continuation of being involved with a long-standing network of like-minded people doing like-minded things. After Don passed the arrival of that day when the recognition that Marilyn had absolutely no idea who Marilyn was, or could even become, was actually shocking. Today, that HUGE overwhelm of what on earth happens next is suddenly not quite so huge.

This new adventure into The Wise Woman (in training) has opened some kind of “space” for this human-suited earth-school traveler. This almost “of its own accord” (whatever “its” means) writing experience is somewhat strange and at times baffling. The “shadow/soul” dance continues to play out while the “soul voice” continues to do/say/observe/engage in new experiences that are presenting a level of lightness and joy that hasn’t been felt for a long time. It seems the story continues to be not just about ALLOWING but also about saying YES. Perhaps the caveat here is that there’s no timeline to any of it – either the grief or the joy. Every human-suited earth-school participant has a shelf-date. What to do with the time between now and then truly remains in the bucket of every individual …  as suits the each moment.

My own experience has shown that with the tiniest bit of willingness to continue to put one foot in front of the other – even when you feel like crying and screaming foul and not wanting to be here, a “shift” unexpectedly takes place and suddenly the world looks a little brighter.

So, to anyone reading this blog, this time, “Perfectly on time” is not disappearing from my posts but I may keep it to myself a little more depending on what story is unfolding in front of me. Donald also continues to periodically tap on my shoulder to reinforce something he used to say….”Nothing, absolutely nothing is forever.”

For now… my heart simply needed to open enough to share, with a wish that others walking through a grieving and loss process may remain hopeful and be encouraged that with time things really do change.