Perceptions and Expectations

“PERFECTLY ON TIME” MUSING
Words from the Crone:
I had to be there –  
in order to get to here –  
in order to see more clearly where I might end up.

Small side-note before I kick off on this one. It crossed my mind to go look for definitions of these two words – Perceptions and Expectations. Because there is a preponderance of information overload available in our world of technology I just stopped. Go have a look for yourself if you’re interested. In truth I just wanted to tell a little first quarter story to talk about the two words. All of it is my own take and my own view of events that happened at the time. I decided I couldn’t find any useful purpose in diving into definitions, meanings, general psychology, how it’s skewed, the sensory experience of the world….need I say more? So…here we have it!

To the child who was there so she could be here….

During the 1^st quarter of earth-school – probably around 10 years old – swimming was NOT my forte. In fact, because I was NOT a swimmer, I was naturally apprehensive and typically cautious. That summer found me somewhat at loose ends and in today’s world “latch-key kid” may have been an apt description for my circumstances.

Our brave, courageous, “gonna figure this out” Mom had purchased a lot “in town” and undertook to have our family home (built for her by our Dad) moved from the farm into town and repositioned on a city lot. She was faced with many challenges after Dad passed and as I recall the event (while now wearing the Crone hat) I clearly see what a tough decision it must have been. Her story is book worthy….perhaps one day I’ll be inclined.

Mom was limited in her available skill set and with just a Grade 8 education she was thrust into the role of Mom/Dad/Breadwinner. So, with the bravest heart and soul she undertook to create a revenue stream through adding a suite in the basement of the house, took in borders, cleaned motel rooms, cashiered and basically kept putting one foot in front of the other and doing whatever options the universe conspired to present. Of course, that meant I became a “latch-key kid” of sorts. My brother is 5 ½ years older than me so he too was off working a summer job and that meant I pretty much had free rein to go and do whatever struck my fancy. It’s worth noting that in those days there was no “key”. Our door was always open AND our community was incredibly safe.

Enter the swimming pool story.

On nice days I could trip a light fantastic down to the big public pool and hang out. Sometimes with a friend. Sometimes on my own. I used to watch some of the bigger kids jump from the high diving board and oh boy did I ever want to do that! But, when you’re young, not a swimmer, and the height of the board looks unbelievable there’s a BIG element of uncertainty and fear rolling around in that little heart. Can I? Should I even try? What if I get up there and can’t do it? The list of questions was long.

Perceptions and expectations dropped into the hamster wheel to be looked at this week because of multiple writings and presentations that seemed destined to catch my attention. Because they all spoke to me on several levels, with all of them leading me back to these two words, it felt like the blog might be a combination of:

• a reflection about those perceptions and expectations from over 60 years ago
• to a closer examination of what they look like today.

So, let’s head back to the pool and the high diving board. At that time, I probably weighed all of 55-60 lbs, stood about 4’10”’ and was called “knobby knees” because I was so skinny. But, a day DID arrive when I climbed up that ladder to the high diving board and as I keyboard these words I can almost feel the heart palpitations starting up and a borderline nauseous sensation along with the hamster wheel doing a fine job of speaking quite loudly (more like yelling). With words like…are you nuts! You don’t even know how to swim! What are you going to do if you jump? You can’t swim dummy! And, despite all that natter I kept putting one foot in front of the other (just like Mom) …up those ladder rungs…until I got to the top.

From the top rung to the end of the diving board looked like it was about a mile long. Seriously I do think I suddenly had a very different “perception” and I almost started to step back to go down but of course now there was a line-up behind me, so any lingering perceptions and expectations had to be seriously re-thought (of course this is at a soul-level readers – that little girl was in “shaking” mode NOT re-thinking mode). But, it’s one thing to be so full of fear and trepidation that you think you might throw-up. It’s another thing entirely to be hissed at and called a little wimp or a chicken. Does anyone reading this relate AT ALL?

My perception at that time? From the recall of that memory, I’m not entirely sure. That everything looked way scarier, bigger and insurmountable than it actually was? Absolutely.

My expectations at that time? Again, I’m not entirely sure but something pulls at my heart and tells me I was really just trying to find a way to fit in (whatever that may have meant at the time). To be “somebody”. To show others that I wasn’t a pip squeak or a wimp or a scaredy cat.

So, I walked that mile long plank…stood there for what felt like an eternity as those behind me were yelling for me to jump…”for heaven’s sake just jump”. I seriously don’t recall any words of “encouragement” being spoken and doubt it would have made any difference. In hindsight and with the Wise Woman (in training) mentality I see it as a “perfectly on time” experience presented by the universe to reaffirm that I was just fine as I was and that “girls can do anything” (those words were NOT part of the hamster wheel conversation at that time).

So, I jumped.

Again, as I stop to truly try and relive the experience, I can almost feel the shock of hitting the water – after all it WAS the high board not the low board. And the water wasn’t particularly warm. Then a sensation of dropping, dropping as though I might never stop but might also even hit the bottom of the pool. I can also “almost” feel myself holding my breath and kicking with all my might to get back to the surface so I could breathe. Of course, that too felt like ions versus the actual seconds it probably took before I broke water and gasped for air but there I was. AND I didn’t know how to swim. AND I was pretty much in the middle of the pool in the deep end. AND….what on earth do I do now!

I have spent a lifetime not being able to, or not knowing how to, ask for help. That day was no exception. So, I did the only thing I could think of and that was dog paddle, and do you know what? Dog paddling gets you to the side of the pool, and I was SAFE. Panting, gulping for air, frightened on one hand and overjoyed on the other.

So, in retrospective recall (now that the deed has been done) what does that word perception conjure up? How about “Braveheart” in a 10-year-old little girl in a human-suit…

And what expectations now that the deed has been completed? In truth that’s a tough one but from the Crone’s view there’s a leaning toward the idea that Marilyn the little 10-year-old (who often lived in a fantasy world where the prince was about to pop up and make her every wish come true) may have actually been looking for someone to notice, to come over and say how brave/smart and clever she was. The other Crone view though is that one about being “perfectly on time” and although not to be recognized in those moments 60+ years ago – NOW feels like a clear message of a little soul doing a happy dance and saying something like “you go girl, girls can do anything”.

In hindsight and having now reached a different level of maturity and understanding, both of these words – perception and expectation – also conjure up another word. “Unrealistic” – perhaps to be considered when giving thought to any presently unfolding perceptions and expectations.

It has obviously taken decades for this human-suit to recognize and redefine a number of words that have been part of the earth-school journey. There is also a much stronger awareness of the insignificance of my own perceptions and expectations. Why? Just because they are mine doesn’t mean they are unique, etched in stone, the be all and end all. It just means they are mine. Is it viable to experience an A’ha moment and recognize that you can have yours and I can have mine and neither of us needs to be right or wrong or even agree with each other?

As part of this continuing unfolding of awareness what keeps popping to the top is “how do I respond/react?”. Is it with condescension that somehow, I have all the answers and know something that you don’t? OR, is it with curiosity and respect for your view while understanding that each of us is entitled to our own perceptions and expectations and ….we simply are.

The following links are being included because each one has impacted me in one way or another these past days. Appreciate that it looks like a lot and of course there is no requirement for anyone to dive in. My ongoing adventure continues and each of these reached into my heart-soul at a level that’s a little deeper than I might normally dig into.

Prue Batten and her Substack Knot’s in the String with a recent post about Reinvention

• Prue raised a question to me last week about the earth-school and the human-suit. Made me realize there are times when I could add a little clarity to the writing. I value her input!

David Michie’s recent Substack Post Where Do I End and the World Begin

• David speaks about a “taken completely out of context” newsclip about the Dali Lama. More evidence as to why I don’t watch mainstream news but also caused me to ask myself….do I undertake to research to find out the whole story?

Ramona Grigg’s recent Substack Post On the Subject of Substack and Notes

• This is a new environment of sorts and I also value Ramona’s questions and reflections. As with mainstream news – our technological environment (which includes all the social media options) at times has me questioning whether to stay involved or not. Time will tell.

An Unexpected Mystic Post it’s already here. Open your hands

• Esoteric and beautifully written. Lynette is attached to Suzanne Giesemann so her writing typically touches this Crone at a deep level.

Wellcoaches Corporation [where I have a beautiful extended family]

• CEO Margaret Moore’s Keynote Address at the American College of Lifestyle Medicine. Ground Zero and Tilling the Soil.
• Wellcoaches CCO Erika Jackson on Well-Being and Self-Compassion.
• Both beautiful colleagues have one more time given me much to think about. Being of service is something they model with exceptional grace.

My own take aways for this week?

The topics connected to the above may not be directly related to these words Perceptions and Expectations but for me, the writings and presentations include information and ideas that resulted in a “Practice the Pause” event to digest what I had read and heard and then consider if there was any correlation at all through questions like:

• How much do they drive my behaviour?
• How much do they influence my response to whatever it is that’s crossing my path in any given moment?
• IF, I can look at them with a view to redefining my own responses has some much-needed heart-soul work been undertaken?